I just pulled a feather out of my vagina.
I am not joking.
Question: If I woke up with one eyebrow mysteriously missing, do I shave the other one to match?
He sent me a video of himself jacking off. I am not kidding.
WTF??? Isn't he married??
Yeah but his wife is at a birthday party and I guess he's bored. LOL
You asked him to stand still, you put your leg on his shoulder, started dry humping the air
I opened my door to go to class and all there was was a raccoon puking on the doorstep. In hindsight, it was a very accurate omen.
He told everyone he was freezing their keys so they couldn't drive drunk. When I opened the freezer this morning, my keys were at the bottom of an unfrozen ice cream tub of vodka.
Just came out of my room at 8 AM to find 2 pounds of raw hamburger and a half eaten cake strewn across the hallway. And I'm not surprised at all.
college stoner meal of the day: microwaved nutrigrain bars
I give him a gold star every time I orgasm. His room looks like he's freaking King Midas.
She has a lazy eye!
My other option is a hardwood floor
It's hard to be judgmental of others when you are wearing silver pleather.
You know how I said I'd never worry about my roommate? Well I just walked in on her masturbating to Star Trek.
Did she boldly cum where no one has cum before?
He keeps asking the karaoke guy to play let it go from frozen so he can sing it in a falsetto
well all i have to say, besides fuck you, is YOU try assembling ikea shelves while high on molly.
I tried to text you about going to the Lion's Den but sent it to my boss. She was down for it. Please advise.
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