drink some water, pull the trigger, get a bfast sandwich. Only good things.
One can only hope that this night would end with my thumb in another humans rectum.
you were so high you spent the rest of the night smelling pepper to prove you can sneeze with your eyes open
At McDonald's last night the guy gave you the wrong kind of McFlurry, so you screamed at him, "YOU MCFUCKED UP."
I just asked my hair stylist how many percocets she'd do my hair for.
She looked at me and said there is a 90% chance I am going to puke in the next 10 minutes. 10 minutes later she is in jack in the box throwing up. She has amazing timing.
I just watched her pee in a trashcan, im still probably going to fuck her, what does that say about my standards
your friend did not want a bj. we need to leave. this is very awkward.
Drunkasaurus has found a new cave to eat all the children she captured
I need to get you away from Bacardi 151 and out from under the bed
i looked at my phone & had a message that said "tell your friend she needs to clean my livingroom, i dont appreciate her trying to turn it into a bubblebath." I give you probs.
Apparently I blacked out and started wrestling with some dude last night. Just found out I might have dislocated his shoulder. Best part: he still wants to bone me
The last person that asked me out got pushed down an escalator
Just found an airplane bottle of whiskey and I didn't put it in my coffee. I think I deserve a little recognition this morning.
What are you gunna do with your life today
put it back together
He is saved in her phone as Sir. Mindfuck <3/ vag cleaner of course I need to meet him.
Randomize
