U r making out with a 12 year old get ur shit together
my hippie aunt just sent me some brownies with a note saying not to eat them under any circumstances until finals are over. excited.
All i remember is people cheering me on to drink faster than the dog, out of the dog's bowl. I just couldn't stop.
I woke up with my bra stapled to the ceiling, her dad was in the hallway winking at me. I was the less drunk of the bunch.
I will always remember today as the day I narrowly escaped having to touch a tiny penis
Watching crazy stupid love and drinking alone isn't what I thought it was gonna be
Its TONS better. Expect a drunk dial at 11:54
High with mom again. She's giving me relationship advice.
I can't believe you're asking me to think of a sincere, creative way to apologize to your penis at 2 am.
We need to do something soon. I need like 4,000 beers and a cigarette.
So nowhere in the dress code does it forbid me from showing up to City Hall in a gorilla suit to meet the mayor.
Judging by the progress I've made since I woke up (none) I'm thinking this hangover may keep me in bed.
What have I told you about trying to use Jesus as your wingman?!
He was cheering for me from the end of the bar as I sloppily ate a Ruben sandwich. It made me feel really special.
I accidentally gave my prayer card to the bouncer. Clearly a cry for help #saveme
FYI brushing your teeth & taking off your makeup does not erase the shame from the night before
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