After 4 hours of foreplay he passed out and almost immediately peed in my bed. Naked. Like a fountain. Then tried to deny it in the morning by saying he just sweats a lot.
you kept calling numbers in ur phone book and saying, "I love your show, I'm a long time listener, first time caller."
LMAO!!! just remembered you said this to me last night. "sometimes you post too many Jesus tweets. It's not that that's really bad... But I roll my eyes and you should know that."
I was drunk but it's true
He def has a gf... But hes 7 feet tall and that superceeds any morality I may have.
The forest. Magic mushrooms. Wind trees leaves sky. That is alll.
I'm pretty sure that when my parents bought me those savings bonds they thought it would go towards something useful like tuition. Not your bail.
I told you I'd buy you lunch.
Just saw a guy walking down the street carrying a giant inflatable penis
Just arrived at our party
If I had to summarise my weekend I would do so using the words "horrifying romanian moonshine"
A beef tasting is not what I needed while hungover
I told you, I'm taking a sledgehammer to your walls. Fuck your walls.
I'm Batman.
Hey man, when I left for work she was laying on the couch naked cuddling your keurig, can you clean that mess up?
I had to switch coats with someone at work because you can see the giant sex choke bruise on my neck. Being kinky is hard.
His dick is curly. It's adorable.
Uh oh. Put down the vodka cancel the clowns and get rid of the donkey
Lessons learned from last night: do not leave me drunk and alone with strippers and a credit card. Let's do whatever's cheaper.
Randomize
