Heard at work: Get out of my face before I cuntpunch you so hard your granddaughters have miscarriages. I love my job.
I'm moving there. Get me hired.
I cant go down on him yet. All ive had to eat is olives and percocet. semen would only add to tomorow mornings discomfort.
new years resolution: more sex, less car punching, more chipotle.
Then you ran outside and said you were gonna give the snowman a blowjob
Yes, yes she is. This will teach her not to pull her vibrator out and harass people with it at parties.
More importantly, he hasn't caught an STD yet. I mean I'd say it's luck, but at this point it has to be skill.
Woaahhhh there! We are JUST drunk fucking. Don't call me "baby".
Lucas & I had a photo shoot with her cape & I had child arm floaties on most the night.. woke up in a spiderman bed
I sent her a picture of Richard Nixon and said "these are the only dick pics I send".
There are no female cereal mascots. I just realized that in my drunken state... So sexist...
Omg last night I was giving shots out like I was the Willy Wonka of the alcohol world.
My dad found my bra hanging from my rear view mirror. Happy long weekend.
What should've been a 10 minute beer run turned into her having a 40 minute mental breakdown in my car while in the parking lot. She then asked if she could live at my house and be my girlfriend. Her finishing act was stealing my peanut m&m's.
Well, when a girl introduces herself as "stormy" and gets your number from her boyfriends phone, I'd say that your situation is to be expected.
dude i haven't had a solid dump since sunday and i still cant hear out of my right ear
Being high is definitely not the perfect addition to this family dinner. No. My grandma trips me the fuck out.
Randomize
