Just chased the kids into the backyard with kitchen knives. Best. Babysitters. Ever.
when she said she was from California you started sobbing. You begged her not to melt your popsicle because you paid good money for it and you just wanted to eat it in peace.
You said your face felt like it was made out out of boxes and kept asking me to give you a bath.
This guys mom bought us a 24 pack and drove me and 8 others to a frat house... Hello moms weekend.
We're about to go to a party titled 'Night of 1000 Jello Shots".
High moment. Almost just passed the blunt to the dog.
Just saw a couple do like 5 Sakai bombs and my dad goes "who says love is dead"
Hey, don't think you remember me but we met last night. I'm conducting a survey this morning its only one question: Have you seen Rob since 1am?
I better not get a vid of you penile helicoptering
what a fun peer-pressure-filled weekend
I feel like you're gonna be reading this at 6 AM in a ditch or under a bridge, but please remember...I offered to drive you home. And you said no.
The sad thing is that it's 6:45 and you're not far off.
Well at least ssomeone is or the state is tafing over ir in twligiob
Hey, it's all about finding the bright side. And boobs are definitely a bright side.
Well, I hope you're having fun. I'm just gonna lay here and wait for death - shouldn't be long now.
Wtf can everyone stop fucking in my grandma's bed? This is like the third time
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