so my car got towed last night. I didnt know it cost 118 dollars to have a college experience
He walked into the party with a case on one shoulder and a boom box on the other of course I fucked him
You would think that someone would have been sober enough to object to vodka bong races.
My mom and I are having a "yay I don't have herpes" shopping trip day
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why is my underwear the only thing i was wearing that smells like vodka?
the japanese bartender dressed as a cowboy in assless chaps just told me i was too drunk for another shot
But see that's the thing. I know i'm better looking than you, I just want you to be continually in a state of shock and awe that you could ever get a girlfriend this hot. You know?
Does the room smell any better?
Yeah, i sprayed perfume. It smells like Victoria's Secret, if Victoria's secret was that she was homeless.
He said he actually "met" me for the first time through a picture his housemate had of me, drunk and passed out in a pool of my own vomit, on the floor of his basement.
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I was walking out the front door and heard his roomate say "It looks like you need a chiropractor." I think my work here is done.
Desperate times call for desperate measures. But he promised me no small talk so that was nice
So this is how i'm celebrating Easter? By eating chicken nuggets and masturbating all day. What a life.
I had a threesome last night with my fiance' and our soon to be best man. Everyone is surprisingly chill about it this morning. Is this any indication of what the wedding night will be like?
You took the glass microwave plate and said it was the closest thing to a frisbee, let me know how that works out for you
It should be perfectly legal to tase anyone not wearing a mask.
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