Every time we go downtown I ask myself why we live in Des Moines
There needs to be a term for a female version of a rusty trombone
I just walked by a homeless man reading the money section of USA Today...
dude sorry about putting my finger in your butt last nite i was wasted and thought it was mine
No, I don't think Michelle is a squirter. And if I've had anal sex, the Obamas have.
hahhahahha. mid doggie-style, i faked an asthma attack. the sex was that bad
I feel like I just lived out a children's book called "The Day I Went to Law School Stoned"
Did you drink ALL that 151??
No. We drank all the jaeger... Then used the 151 to start the fire. We're also out of paper towels... And your hairspray is flammable.
If you get that boat I will recruit some boat hoes for you and tape a video and sync it to I'm On A Boat. This is happening.
Next time I will hook the Xbox before I get high I spent 30minuts thinking I was playing the Simpsons game when it was in reality a tv episode
He sang a ten minute song about me sitting on his face and eating quesadillas. Pretty sure I have to marry him.
Would it be weird if i sent him a "happy fuckiversary" text?
at this point, i'm only going to therapy to get more free condoms
Let me get this straight. You stopped mid foreplay to shave your legs?
Um yeah. I wasn't about to shave them if nothing was happening. And I have HBO. It's not like he's the victim here.
Did you mark a random day on my calendar as National Seth Day?
Sounds like a legit day to me.
Randomize
