dude we were spooning naked in bed with her ass in my crotch. she sharted in her sleep all over my dick.
i wish we had vans that drove around at night but insteand of ice cream and jolly tunes its taco bell and the macarena
just so you know, the uglier twin gives better bjs..don't be deceived
Why am I getting the stink eye from these people? They're acting like BYOB isn't kosher in a laundromat.
kinda considering buying a life alert for sophmore year
Doing tuck and rolls down a stair case was not my brightest idea
ya i guess you have to take things with a grain of salt in a place where nipple clamps are the norm..
So hung over, I told one of the candidates she's hired if we can turn the lights off and take a nap instead of doing her interview. I feel like she has potential.
I woke up to find my purse full of puke, and all I could think was not again.
So we played the stone cold theme song and continued to chug 2 beers at once and everyone just looked in shock
There is a 1000000% chance you'll be turned down if you try coming on to me while I watch Star Wars.
Wore a burger king crown while giving head still drunk this morning #blessed
Sorry I pissed in your closet and lied to your parents that it was probably a flood. He got up to go to the bathroom, expecting sex when he got back, I panicked
My credit card got frozen due to suspicious activity. "Let's go over your recent transaction history... it looks like these are all at bars." BITCH, DON'T JUDGE MY MONDAY NIGHTS.
Just googled myself and a bunch of boob shots of me came up. Apparently my phone automatically uploaded them to my google plus.
Please google me ASAP and ensure I corrected this...
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