If my vagina had boots, it would be shaking in them.
please remind me not to sleep with group members until after finals week.
His room was full of guns. It was like having sex with Clint Eastwood.
i just remembered i chipped my tooth last night when i pulled up your pants zipper with my teeth
you yelled "who's job is it to keep me from breaking shit" and then immediately ripped off the molding as you fell down the stairs.
just filed my taxes drunk as balls. i may be going to jail.
i cant wait to be back in my element of drunk, on a barstool, ive missed home
It's been two days. I am still burping up jello. Everything tastes like jello. Everything smells like jello. I am DONE with jello shots.
Is it bad that I feel proud to be the first one to puke in the apartment? And I did it in style?
You straight up painted the counter with steak, tequila and beer. You owe me a knew toothbrush.
how do you ask an olympian for your underwear back?
I cunt my lip shaving. That's not a typo, it's a placement clue
In honor of today being Sunday I am day drinking and watching Grey's Anatomy all day. ALL DAY.
Meet at Walmart straight from work to buy items for hurricane fun. Then blast some wine, make some sex, blast a bowl and cuddle each other till the sun comes up?
That's the most romantic New Orleans hurrication I've ever heard of. Can I have your babies?
I told you being able to play expert on guitar hero would get us laid one day
It was the scariest thing ever having a flame that close to my balls...
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