dude..why do i always have to pick up the kitty litter after you drink?
there was 4 little kids screaming in high pitched voices at the top of their lungs at the sox game and their mom just leaned over to me and said 'if thats not birth control i dont know what is'
he just stuck his car key in my belly button, made car starting noises and pretended like i was revving my engine?
apparently people get pissed when you take the bag of wine out of the franzia box and put it in your purse before leaving the party
Is it sad that I find it completely normal that I just took batteries out of a vibrator to put them in a pencil sharpener so I could do homework?
I find this completely acceptable.
Party priorities: alcohol > girls > music > cups > decorations
You were hanging upside down on the subway with your feet in the stirrup handle bars. the children were amused.
he fucked me so hard i could feel my pelvis shifting. like i legit feel more prepared for childirth now
Found a popcorn kernel in my pubes... Time fir a Brazilian
Met Dan at the park for lunch and the guy parked next to us was getting a BJ the entire time. Way to make me feel like an inadequate girlfriend, random park skank. All Dan got was a double cheeseburger and a large iced tea...
i feel like i am made of mashed potatoes. i love cannabis pills so. fucking. much.
He is such a generous lover, I can look past the fact his name is fucking Bob.
I was gonna jerk off, but then I thought about that movie last night and it killed that idea. I have serious boner trauma.
It took me an hour to walk from my drive way to my front door... what the fuck was in that weed?
Sex in the backyard? Check.
Randomize
