you sent me 5 happy birthday texts last night. one after the other. spelled differently.
he farted when he came. not the best ending to my day.
pop tarts are not kleenex
Then you can skip the embarrassing can I date your ex since you're a lesbian now conversation
mid blow job she looked up and said "we aren't even facebook friends!"
She looked at my cock with a kind of resigned disappointment.
Walking through campus with a grocery bag full of pot brownies. I'm like the santa claus of 4/20
this is terrible I feel like i'm trapped in a cage with a wild republican
There two guys dressed as FEMA workers with jump-suits that say "Post-Disaster Breast Examination Division"
Had a dream I dropped the L word and immediately threatened to kill myself
You probably shouldn't be having nightmares about expressing affection
Went as "Party on, Wayne." And left as, "Partied out Wayne in a foot boot with new medical bills." Fuck Halloween...and vodka.
Woke up with a pineapple again... where do i keep on getting these ??
That’s true love. If they recognize a chocolate mold of your anus.
I danced my ass off after the funeral last night. Kept dropping it low and I can feel it in my legs today. Im like shit I needa go work out
What a way to honor the dead
Public service announcement: Just bc it is Margarita Monday does NOT mean your stomach will readily accept that much alcohol. There IS a reason it isn't called Magical Monday. On that note, better luck on Tequila Tuesday.
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