i wish peter jackson would direct porn
You drunk yet?
Nope. Give me two hours then delete my texts before you read them.
Cant make any promises.
def just vomited mimosa in the gym trashcan. i weigh less already so i say its been a solid workout.
I told him we can only be friends from now on & he said he knows but that I'm the 'best he ever had'.
you slept with him again didn't you
you can't just quote Drake AND compliment me at the same time & receive nothin. he knows me too well
Well its kinda hard to gift wrap an orgasm
Dick in a box?
I promise not to drug you or anything. Please come to my birthday party.
Oh my god I forgot there were Band-Aids on my nipples
I had to puke in a ditch beside a cow pasture and like 50 cows just stood there and watched. I could feel the judgment.
There was a slutty maid costume on the floor when I woke up, but the house was trashed. Either she's been fired or got promoted, I'm not sure which.
She wouldn't eat a clam- if you blow a line pregnant you can eat a clam
Where the hell did you pick this girl up? She just licked my cat and stole our last poptart.
You told me you were going to invite all of your Tinder matches to the same bar on the same night and make them compete for your affection in a series of Lust Olympics. Winner gets laid.
its 8 and I'm HUNGOVER!! how is that possible??
Moms passed out wet and naked in a rocking chair again....
the voting booth dude cock blocked me or she woulda totally blown me in the voting booth.
Randomize
