We're so high we're finding things in the room to build a submarine with. So far we have two cardboard boxes, a piece of wood, puffy paint, and an empty bottle to use as a periscope.
Don't you hate it when all three people suddenly sober up in the middle of a threesome. Awwwwkward.
Just accidentally pinched my dick between two 50 pound dumbbells while doing shoulder shrugs. God hates me.
Just opened a beer with eyelash curlers... miss you.
That still doesn't explain why you thought it was a good idea to paint a cow on my guitar
Hey fuck you and your taint. I'm just riding a canoe called life, back the fuck off. P.s. I need a ride
If court goes my way we are flying to Vegas.
There was a half eaten cheeseburger on my coffee table. Guess I made it to McDonald's.
On a side note the mornings you do so much Xanax that you wake up totally at one with the universe and feel invincible are great
I kinda wanna Instagram the giant vag stain on my sheets. That is something to be proud of. It's a Christmas miracle.
I drank beer out of some sort of animal horn all night, then we fucked to a "viking metal" album. I feel like I should go pillage something to complete the Norse trifecta.
I got custody of our girlfriend in the breakup.
He has no idea he's waking up in slut palace tomorrow morning
DID YOU OR DID YOU NOT, PEE IN MY FUCKING TRASHCAN?!
Our livers are going to hate us.
It's okay, they're regenerative. God wanted this.
Randomize
