Bad news. I lost my teeth. Good news. I can still take a guy home sans teeth.
He looked at me and said "Last call" before putting his penis away into his boxers
My mom is purposely blasting Shania Twain downstairs so I can't jack off.
knew i was gonna lose at a shoe or be bleeding at some point. and both happened within 20 mins.
Yah, I guess one silver lining is I'd never seen a full water cooler get thrown down a flight of stairs, gotta appreciate the little things
i have 90 minutes to kick this food poisoning or josh's first experience with buttsex will be his last
If the cops knock on your door and ask if you saw anyone throw an orange out the window I was never there.
Fucking someone because they own a lava lamp is like fucking someone because they have 20 dollars and no concern for their house burning down.
Awee what are you going to name your new dog?
What dog?
We fed him just...so many bright colored crayons when he was blacked out. I hope he looks at his shits because this could be all for nothing
Just told myself the phrase "You're not THAT single" while dressing myself
I just need you to stay far enough away that I can't smell your cologne. I completely forget that I fucking hate you as soon as I smell it.
He didn't have much of a personality. But I had like 100 orgasms, so that's cool.
You had to dry your pants with the hand dryer in the bathroom because you "forgot to take it out."
Woke up on a lawn chair hugging a bottle of vodka. Hows your morning so far?
Randomize
