Ross. Joey. Chandler. Who would you do?
I just saw a pregnant woman with a cigarette and a beer walking into the Larry the Cable Guy show. I'm glad my taxes are paying her medical expenses.
The karaoke bar doesnt have electric avenue. Ill just have to pick another song and sing the lyrics to electric avenue
Mac n' cheese is coming out of my nose. You can't make that feel better
So I wake up this morning with a bottle of dish detergent and a dildo. Good call on bringing those girls from community college.
We should bet how many people are going to get alcohol poisoning next weekend and whoever wins gets a free Starbucks.
I was literally convinced that the turkey wrap i was eating was keeping me alive. And i couldnt have been happier. That high.
He looked at me like he knew me, and I looked at him like I had seen his penis before.
TOUCH YOURSELF. DO IT.
I don't think that's how you're supposed to sext
Literally had to stick my hands in my pants and hold my butt cheeks together while driving
I am literally drinking 7 day old water and looking for snacks in my room so I won't have to go in the hall and see roommate, because we accidentally banged last night. Please bring over some chicken and plan b.
I just looked down and realized I was walking around in briefs and a ninja turtle shirt; and for a second, I thought I was 8 again... Weird...
Went to put my shoe on and asked myself why I left a sock in it. I didn't. Needless to say I found our used condom.
All I remember about last st pattys day was I was in a bathtub with full bubbles, fully clothed, drinking out of a flamingo lawn ornament that someone cut a hole in.
Dude I was tripping acid when she was crying and I literally couldn't defend myself
Randomize
