I took a bird feeder and filled it with alka-seltzer. Can you say fireworks?
his electricity got shut off. i felt like a pilgrim searching for his dick.
they told me her nickname is "wizard sleeve"
pick me up NOW
How is it possible that i have sex with a guy and he makes YOU breakfast
Pissing in la rieve gfox. Jer zsyuis diu drunk but it felt amazunbg
Dans le librearie ivetre. Hjhaha
Laying on my kitchen floor and the lights just got brighter... I just died or there was a power surge. Based on the amount of booze I drink both are possible.
I was lying there too hungover to move when my dog jumped onto my bed and set half a calzone on my pillow. Best. Dog. Ever.
There is a dude in a thong with a Nerf axe having battles in the street. Welcome to Portland
There two guys dressed as FEMA workers with jump-suits that say "Post-Disaster Breast Examination Division"
hotboxing with the ex-bf's two most recent hookups. they just realized they're eskimo sisters with his best friend. this is what happens when I come home for Christmas.
On my way to get pizza I followed a dog into Salvation Army where I was just hired
I'm pretty sure I imagined the dog... They still hired me
I feel like the universe head butted me in my balls. That hungover.
.... My lady balls. Cuz I'm a lady.
Question for you. Do you want to go out somewhere or do you want to have sloppy joes at my house? That's not a euphemism for anything; I actually have stuff to make sloppy joes
I HAVE A FLAME THROWER. COME SEE IT. IT’S SAFE AND WORKS.
I think I kinda scared him when I tried to wrap his snake around his dick while he was trying to nap.
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