This old guy in denny's is sitting alone and he is looking at us and laughing for no reason
i don't even remember going to get food. i think i got gas too.
You picked me up and threw me on a barstool and shoved shots in front of me.
Thats like the definition of a good friend
We have a hundred jello shots. Lines will be crossed.
No dude I got way too drunk to function. 90% sure I tried to FaceTime 911.
There no better feeling of self control than stopping yourself before telling your girlfriend she gives head just like her sister.
Just rolled up to a matinee showing of THE HOBBIT. At the dollar theater. Alone. In sweats. With a fifth of sunnybrook and leftover pizza in a ziplock. There's a dude here in cape with his elderly mother. I'm handling this breakup FIIIIIINE.
I never notice how majestic and beautiful my cat is unless I'm blazed
We found you wrapped up in a tarp in the garage the next morning, thats how real shit got.
I could probably be laying here naked and he'd still be more interested in this thunderstorm
He is a sweet angel sent from dick heaven!
I just need a fucking pair of pants. Is that too much to ask for?
Bring beers. The password is "I brought beers" but you can't come in if you're a liar
What! I said that you would fall in love? See I know better. Dark liquor makes me think everything is a dream. I barely remember saying that
The guy like flippppped out and made me pay $15 for a car wash. I thought I was being extremely courteous by making sure to puke outside the window
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