You're mentally unstable and I would hate to be you
I wanna eat
then frost
then eat your cupcake
Something growled at me in your dark backyard last nt. Hoping it was my landwalking laser sharks and not Andy.
just bought a $25 eighth from a chick who has a kid. i'm helping my community out right?
Haha im about to meet my shrink &i have so much shit to tell him i made an outline
Just fucked in his moms tanning bed. While it was on. Weirdest. Tan. Ever.
Just gave my manager part of my viccodin stash-my job is basically secured forever.
I won the karaoke contest at the bar last night, when they called my name i was doing blow off the toilet seat, i thought they caught me, i didnt even know there wasa contest
I spent an hour trying to convert bar outfits to church outfits. Its hard.
You missed me roundhouse kicking a lit glow stick out of a guy's mouth last night. You would have been proud.
Your couch is like an animal shelter for stray drunks.
My head is pounding and I need an ice pack for my vag. Successful friendsgiving!
Trying to figure out the logistics of putting my laptop speakers on this plate with the last slice of pizza. Too drunk to move the plate. Not an option.
Frankly, since I met you, I practically exist in a state of constant readiness for sex
I'm shopping for Mother's Day cards while waiting for my herpes medication. What is life.
Randomize
