so stoned i ashed in my jack and coke like 4 times. drinking it anyway
everyday i am more and more thankful i can still check the no box for "have you ever been convicted of a felony?" on applications
Was I wearing clothes when I handed you your keys. Please tell me I was wearing clothes.
Note to self glow in the dark nail polish can be quite the mood killer during sex especially when you notice its working for the first time and you stop everything your doing to do spirit fingers
It's that "make a Pringle and Twinkie sandwich" kind of depression.
Was my shirt on fire at any point last night? Because I'm fairly sure my shirt was on fire.
DICK PUNCH EXTRAVAGANZAAAAAA!!!!!
I would agree. Whose business is it if I like to guzzle vodka by the liter on my of time? Answer: mine.
Pretty sure that propositioning you to fly across the country for sex fest '13 isn't something my husband would approve of.
Good god you suck at this wake up call. Seriously. If I can, after consuming enough vodka to subdue a russian soldier, muster up enough motivation to call you in the morning and send you naked pictures the least you could do is pick up.
I may be a feminist, but I am not above using my body to distract you if it means I might beat you in a game of scrabble.
She's kind of holyer-than-thou, like god himself came down and said "please cock block your roommate at every opportunity, and if you think she's thinking of sex, tell her she's a whore"
I'm cuddly bitch. Deal with it.
I am texting my ex and my future boyfriend while eating fish and chips with my current boyfriend... How and when did I become such a terrible person???
Note to self: I can rip apart her vagina and she'll still cuddle with me, but if I steal her Chapstick she'll murder me !?
Randomize
