Tell him to shut up cuz i said so. I lost my dollar shoe :(
My sheets look like a crime scene.
It is virtually impossible to listen to single ladies and perform any seated task.
i am making flyers for the homeless letting them know about free chipolte day
If you stick your dick in my spaghetti, we're fighting.
there was a sad and surprising lack of "did strippers and blow" in that sentence
Buying Plan B right after a lecture on feminism. It's nice to know who I can thank for that right.
I would totes be making out with random people in the name of america if I was at the white house right now
He waited until after foreplay to tell me that he didn't have a condom and "we" would just have to settle for a bj tonight...
Is it possible to just pretend that everything we did after grilling up your goldfish didn't happen?
She keeps asking if I've seen him... For the last time YES... IN MY BED LAST FRIDAY NIGHT AND THEN AGAIN SATURDAY MORNING
Going to be a long day. text me later. Sorry I puked in your sink.
Exactly man. Who needs doctors when you have vodka and hot knives.
St. Patrick's day can kiss my ass. Still hungover. I guess I showed up at my gym blacked out yesterday morning. Like im not missing a gym day b
This guy wants me to put ice under his foreskin. What!?
Randomize
