That was definitely a porn plot just waiting to develop...
Unmistakable female orgasm noises coming from upstairs shower
She must've brought a toy -- seriously doubt that he's up to the task
I think I took your hangover as a birthday present
this morning your mother said to me "sorry to have to meet you like this, in my sons bed" later she said "you never know whos gonna be in there. its scary sometimes"
You kept saying "sir officer" which would have been polite and helped you if it wasn't a female. She was pissed.
This stranger told me I should "start playing for the other team" and then continued to talk to me about the joys of being a lesbian
Dude. My cat just tried to bat the tampon string hanging from body. NOT COOL, SEYMOUR. NOT COOL.
I just realized that I have to choose between a future orthopedic surgeon and a dude currently in jail. My life is so fucked.
Idk how much vodka is on these pants but I'm gonna wear them anyway: the biopic
Some guy is in my phone as Pat McAwesome.
We can't go back there. Ever. No context required, just know it's true.
He was stoned laying on my bed singing I'm a little tea cup while I took a pregnancy test. Thank god it was negative.
Cant leave im designed bacon maker you come here
There are condoms rolled onto each bunny ear of the ears I was wearing last night
Why are you drunk at the library?
Why not?
Randomize
