Come to wood. Julia is putting pants on. We must stop her.
what are you wearing?
Just my guilt
I walked in on my roommate finishing watching something on his computer. There was cum all over his screen. He awkwardly said hi and pulled up his pants.
After he proceded to violently molest my tits until 9 am i snuck out of his room only to meet his mother downstairs, who informed me she heard the giant sexfest going on in the room next to them.. this was before she called us both "chickenshits".. worst walk of shame ever.
Sober December ended when I found beer behind my bed...I lost $2000 but spent 6 hours sober. Meet me at the bar?
No talking tonight. Just drinking and puking up memories
You tried to get the Waffle House waitress to put a candle in your cheesy hash browns.
Did you just send me an ass picture with a quote from the lion king?
What are you gonna do about it?
How do you initiate sexting are u supposed to be like yo I'm peeing and eating a clif bar and texting and thinking about you naked all at the same time
He told me we shouldn't hang out because it would be weird and then snap chatted me a picture of his dick
in other news i got caramel vodka poured on me. upside, i smell amazing
Well I'm a full service fuck buddy so lemme know if I can get you food or water or anything
Shooting a bottle rocket from my penis was entirely justified. Twenty bucks is twenty buck no matter how you look at it
It was a bad idea to take ecstasy with cats in the house. No animal likes being touched that much. Let me know how your eye feels tomorrow
still drunk on my way to class to give my presentation on the negative affects of alcohol on the body. hell yes.
Randomize
