I least I know I can't get pregnant because it's on my hair
You tied the party balloons to your nipple ring so that everyone would know you partied.
He poured all of the vodka into the sweet tea and said that tomorrow it would be called 'surprise drunk.' then we had sex.
She just ended a sentence with "and he doesn't even mind my herpes..."
You basically tried to anal probe my passed out friend with a lamp
How would one go about tricking someone into chugging an entire bottle of tequila?
Sorry the STD update turned into an attempt at a bootycall, but at least we both know we're clean now
Second wind. Either that or my heart is about to explode. I'm hoping the first one.
Tonight, I'll be cleaning. And by cleaning, I mean drinking booze and spraying everything with Febreze.
Hey guy that stepped on my foot, don't slap my ass to apologize.
I like that you're Jewish, because you can rail me on Christmas Eve and it won't be weird.
I just accidentally showed an old lady a pic of my penis while showing her cat pics. So how's your day going?
He woke up to me masturbating during the presidential address. Now he won't stop making jokes.
Did I tell you I’m going on a date? His name is Michael and we both like dinosaurs and anal.
Now the fun stuff starts.
Someone is losing a finger.
Randomize
