he is training for a marathon but can't last more than five minutes on top. worst tuesday night ever
If you dont, I will tell Dad you are gay.
Fine, and I will tell him you fucked his business partner
Previous statement retracted.
I swear to god I'm going to hunt down and stab the next telemarketer that calls from a blocked number while I'm waiting for my STD results...
She eyed me up from across the bar and mouthed "I have no gag reflex".
I just threw up in a patch of wild flowers on the side of the road. I never knew rock bottom was so beautiful.
I also have a full keg. I'm thinking about crashing a party, they can't get mad if I bring a keg of beer.
I owe you a thank you for last night. Only you could go up to a guy, ask if he likes my boobs, and return later to find us in a full on dance floor makeout sesh. Well played.
Craig, a bottle of Jamison, and I had a party on the roof last night. No idea how I got down. My injuries indicate fall...
I come back upstairs and there he was sitting in a speedo. He handed me a blanket and said "let's cuddle" how is this real life?
In that case, if you come anywhere near my house you can expect to be chased down various streets by a half naked me wielding a baseball bat. No, I am not giving you my address.
Why so serious bruh
Something about the fact that I could do coke off her ass cheeks just speaks to me
He woke me up, handed me a ringing phone and said break up w her for me. That hung over.
I tired using vodka to remove my makeup
Your vagina must be outstanding or have a secret entrance to Narnia if someone is will to fly from Texas for one night of it.
Heard about your divorce. Let me know if I can do anything for you or your penis ;-)
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