I just fucked 3 marines at the same time...how did you celebrate veterans day?
Just dropped $150 at the liquor store. No power and two feet of snow has taken my alcoholism to another level.
She says I'm cute and I remind her of her brother. She's too hot to back out now. I don't know. I'm guna go for it.
in light of our recent drunken behavior, i think it's time we seriously consider hiring ourselves a babysitter.
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Sudue. BIG CUP LOTS OF NOMNOMD TUOSPY
Apparently I whispered "Jesus was here" and bailed out of the moving taxi.
My wedding band has saved me from at least four cases of herpes tonight.
You pulled me aside and handed me a plastic childrens' tea cup full of 151 and said "trust me its a great idea"
The chips are stabbing my teeth, and I can feel the muscle under my mouth contracting.
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Oh dude, thanks for giving me that liquor last night, except replace 'giving' with 'violently forcing'.
An old lady WILL get vomited on today.
Yeah, first date. First take a pic of him to circulate around for your friends and than have him fill out a short penis questionnaire. Seems completely legit to me.
Sorry this is the worst night of your life and that you're being a baby about it.
His truck was very sexy. Unfortunately, shortly thereafter, I discovered that the whole overcompensating thing is very true...
I peed in front of kids, unfortunately
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