Lets drop out of school and be professionally skinny and drunk
a bus full of elementary school kids may or may not have seen me pissing off my front porch this morning
she peed. on the sidewalk. it is 2 pm. Help.
Well if it makes you feel any better I threw up at Roadhouse. And then on the way to the train. And then in a water fountain. And then in a plastic bag on the train.
Triple a is towing cars for free tonight and tomorrow night. Can we take advantage of this ?
You are a piece of meat with a side of awesome to me.
He could only go twice. I need a guy with more stamina and is less married
Please come collect your inebriated significant other. He just sleep-farted and scared my cats. Please hurry.
You sent me a snapchat of you hugging a beer with the caption "best friend"
We broke up. And I told him he better give me my fucking star wars movies tomorrow. Priorities.
Safe to say we should stock up on nipple bandaids ladies
I told him you forbid me to sleep with him so he needs to accept that.
Please tell me that nice older woman you're with at the bar is not your comp&lit professor.
Fine I’ll come with you but you better tell that guy to wear some longer shorts because the second I see a rogue nut I’m gone
I don't know what else to tell you.. just listen to some taylor swift and you'll know what to do in the morning
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