you know what i hate about salt? you can't see it.
Why did I wake up this morning with 10 tally marks on my hand and a penis drawn on my tits?
He's going to regret telling me he doesn't care if i shave or not...
You know, there is no convenient place for your beer when you are on shrooms taking a shower.
I was in a house full of lesbians and they were all staring at me. I felt like the last cresent roll on Thanksgiving.
Ok. So let me get this straight. She treats her vagina like a clown car, yet judges me for just making out with the guy that bought all of us shots?
I'm tryin a pb and onion sandwich now
Please smoke with me until I agree that sounds like a good idea
Now I have to set an alarm for less than 6 hours from now to wake her up, get her showered and get her to her first day of tutoring a kid from her church. WTF is my life?
Our motto for the night: BLACK OUT OR BACK OUT.
That's our motto every night.
When you're really drunk, Japanese toilets just have an unnecessary amount of buttons.
I just really wish I could go back and unsex him. Waste of my vagina.
I lost my bra, he lost his virginity. Seems like a fair trade off.
YOU HAVE PISSED AND FUCKED ON LITERALLY EVERYTHING IN MY HOUSE
Not everything, just a few things. And only a few times. The odds are really not all that bad when you break it down.
you’ve pissed every time you slept over. there’s no such thing as odds anymore. it’s guaranteed
So I got cockblocked by our relationship status last night
He's the one named Andrew. In his profile picture he is the one on the right in the monkey costume.
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