There is a man on the balcony beside me who claims he is a triceratops. He roared and asked me for a cigarette, telling me he'd eat me if I refused. I love college.
Michelle found a bong in the garbage and sold it to my mom
You look at her and you just know the only action she's gotten is from her tampon..
Tbell employee was shuffling through my bag, calling off each item i ordered to make sure it was all there. I stopped him halfway through with "guy, don't worry, I'm high as shit, I'll eat anything."
You should be proud. How many people can say they GAVE a stripper an std?
So I found the perfect "Yeah I gained weight since high school but it went to all the right places" outfit for the reunion this weekend.
Yeah haha but we have no idea where his keys are. Last night was awful. Him and Chancey were in a fully embraced bro hug at one point. Both crying.
If we order a pizza and I contribute 9 cents, is that fair?
True love is when you jack off and continue talking to the girl you like
Why do you text me weird shit like this?
I just added a bunch of arbitrary options to my ouija board. Ghosts can now tell me "cheddar," "the homosexual agenda," "the whole foods vegan aisle," or "viable offspring"
He was just lying in his underwear like a present. I had to unwrap it.
He called me piss drunk at 7:30pm while cooking bacon and said he was going to bed. I don't think he's taking it well.
So uh... Did you mail me business cards that describe my profession as "tortured soul"?
I have 2 phone numbers written on my vagina. I told you I shouldnt be left to my own devices after tequila shots.
Never underestimate the power of titties
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