Do you think Capital One would let me put the Tub Girl picture on my Capital One card?
Beat you to it.
summer is not the time to consider going full bush.
im typing and i feel like my hands are on backwards.
Stop texting me, I'm right here.
pube in her braces AGAIN. barely kept a straight face.
all i remember is that her bootyshorts said 'shameless' and that there was no turning back.
How in the hell did I take a shot of whiskey to the eyeball last night?
I just remembered that I did shots out of a gay mans crotch. And there's someone saved in my phone as "Miranda knows where my car is"
I can't live in this building much longer. People are starting to figure out that it's me making the weird sex noises.
He put himself in the friend zone by calling me dude all night so I blew his friend. Judge me.
Two options. One, you listen while I freak out. Two, we have mediocre to awesome car sex and don't talk. Either way, I'll be there by 7
Can we please start going to the gym before I accidentally kill someone via explosive fat girl pants button accident
Liquor doesn't fix sad, but it sure as hell lowers my standards for a rebound.
good news: i got laid. bad news: by your boyfriend
You got stoned and bought $300 worth of pudding. Again! Why do YOU think she left you?
Yeah I passed out. The last thing I remember is the lady telling me I couldn't play the clarinet with my nose.
Randomize
