I'm at a party watching some dude try to eat a whole package of Oreos in 5 minutes.
Is it wrong that im more embaressed about the karoke than the toplessness?
This is a mass text: my birthday is tomorrow, and I want a full day of birthday sex. Send me your availabities. Time slots begin at noon
I made him breakfast and we cuddled on the couch watching march of the penguins, which is, in case you were unaware, the opposite of fucking on a pool table
also since I use google voice my ads in gmail switched to DUI services after this conversation
why the fuck are my pubes caked with bread crumbs?
The only excuse this guy at the club had for trying to make out with me as soon as I met him was "I AM FROM MEXICOOO"
and everyone will high five me and girls will approach me offering blowjobs
Actually going to jail after your wedding is NOT part of the plan.
The moment buddy the elf found out he was human is exactly like the moment I realized I was gay
She sent me a video of herself sitting in the car stone faced listening to the Titanic song on silence. She won't answer my texts.
I have hobbies that aren't destroying myself and others...i can make hats.....
I'm bleeding and intoxicated as I'm walking to my final right now. Wish me luck
Grandma is high again and locked herself in the house
Just remember I’m your roommate with extremely questionable morals
Exactly, what could possibly go wrong
Randomize
