I have found the one flaw to the great pride I took as a guy to not have to sit down to pee...having to sneeze while peeing.
Dude I just masturbated laying underneath my Christmas tree. Apparently all I want for Christmas is to get laid.
while you were getting the key to the dorm from the lobby i was giving a drunk monolog to the security camera about my life
I just smoked my last bit of kief with a grill lighter. This is what crackheads must feel like.
Less talking, more tequila
hes out at the street wearing a tophat and a monocole and carrying a cane and greeting every car that drives by
he just went across the street and into someones house and we could hear him inviting them over from the front porch
I just found a wine bottle in my shower. Must have been a good night.
My girlfriend is studying for the MCAT by watching The Magic Schoolbus. There go my dreams of being a househusband.
Can I please come dance in my bra to destiny's child with you? I'll bring the wine and the glitter
I can still taste the Jäger. I'm gonna shoot myself.
She showed up ready for sex all night.. with waters and a meat and cheese tray
Waking up early to fuck the hot DILF the day before Father's Day because I'm respectable like that
I feel like that xmas present negates everything we were taught as little girls. Putting out DOES pay. God bless us everyone
No no no, work drunk and day drunk are totally different. I got drunk with a client and made a huge sale at 1pm. You are still in your PJs and jacking off.
Before making travel and hotel reservations to meet your "affair" for the first time, consult your menstrual calendar! $633 wasted!
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