It wasn't long before I skipped the martini glass and went straight to drinking from the shaker.
After she threw up on my floor she started singing "this is why I'm hot."
Sitting next to a girl in the computer cluster who just googled syphilis symtoms, started crying & got up and left. My life suddenly seems better.
My life has literally become a dickpocolypse. Thank you, summer, I missed you.
Seriously. You just grinded your ass all over the heisman trophy's dick. I want you to think about that.
cell reception changed and I can no longer text you from the toilet... that means I'll be texting you less often, just fyi
how did my horoscope know i was too hungover to operate a stove.
I think a van full of parolees just blew me kisses. Thoughts?
That's what my new years consisted of. Consoling heartbroken girls and having people throw up in my hands.
The guy I brought home last night made a speedy escape while I was in the bathroom. The only trace I found of his flight was a lone sock on the stairs.... It was like a whorey low budget Cinderella
So our trip to Disney World ended in the three of us stripping at a gay club in orlando.
I found my spirit animal in the shower. It's a sloth/bear that lives in my chest.
Reasons why I love cats more than people: 1. They're not fucking people.
I've never had sex with me but I assume there are worse ways to be woken up.
I don't remember much from my 21st, but my mom said I insisted on the fat guy taking body shots off me
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