i just saw a man dusting the fake palm trees at the mall
...welcome to nebraska
i'm unexpectedly in a limo, eating poutine. the driver just offered me coke. good idea?
you lied vaginas dont taste like gold fish!
noo i said youre golden if her vagina tastes like fish!
trying to figure out who visited the hillshire farms website enough for it to be in my top sites.
This is a mass text: my birthday is tomorrow, and I want a full day of birthday sex. Send me your availabities. Time slots begin at noon
he said i was so drunk that i shared a urinal with him and we simultainiously peed
In a car. Threw up in my mouth. Haven't said a word in 10 minutes.
Who knows? Maybe we can sing afternoon delight into each other's genitals.
At my eighteen year old cousin's wedding. Getting hit on by a 9 year old. No one knows who he came with. I'm pretty sure he just showed up from the field behind the church. Help.
Drugs are gluten free tho, right?
I feel bad cuz I was his ride home, but I didn't know I was going to have a religious experience with a guy in a cookie monster t-shirt. You can't plan for that shit.
I think you should do the fixer upper relationship. Like lawyers do pro bono work with underserved populations, you can do pro bono relationship work.
I am on my way right now and I SWEAR TO GOD IF YOU EAT MY BURRITO YOU WILL NEVER SEE MY TITS AGAIN
He stood up through the sunroof yelling "CHOCOLATE MILK BITCHESSSS!!!! YOU AIN'T WORTH SHIT NOW!!!" the sad part is he wasn't even drunk yet. I worry about him sometimes.
I was trying not to blow up your phone, but I'm so horny I think I might die
Randomize
