I'm lit.While shaving my legs I pretended the razor was a tractor cutting down corn. Noises included.
i suspect the closest i'll get to a valentine this year is a 16 year old on chat roulette asking me to show my tits. step up from last year, i guess.
its was like we drinking an entire bottle of mystery
In case you were wondering...putting everclear into a humidifier DOES get you really really drunk.
Also, I'd like to add that that I'm not quitting my job, my boss fed me shots at 11 am this morning.
Just write off about 10000+ brain cells and 6 months of your lifespan.
Sounds like a normal friday night
The more and more I think about it, the more I realize... it's not ok to just pull over on the side of the highway to pee... I'm sorry I argued that
Can we just cry and dive into a couch-sized bag of sadness-chips, dip them in a la-z-boy sized jar of depression salsa while watching a show called 'Forget Your Hopes and Dreams, Just Kill Yourself'?
Wrong. I really wanted to see the movie. And she was on top of me like she was riding a mechanical bull. Who am I to complain? I live to serve.
I'm drunk and I have your birth certificate
I don't drink nearly as much when I'm coupled, and that's not a lifestyle I can commit to
you told me I was being patronizing because I didn't want you to run barefoot across a construction site
Drunk me also decided it would be funny to change all the passwords on my computer last night. Now I can't log into anything.
Are you hungover?
No. I'm hiding under my covers and hoping it doesn't find me.
Do you recall asking me to zip line through your wedding dressed as a bleeding angel?
Randomize
