So she puts out... but it wasn't worth it
the guy working at the drive-thru just asked me if i wanna bang after he gets off work tonight.
given your current drought situation, im genuinely curious to know what your answer was
i told him maybe and gave him my number. sad? probably. but even if the sex is bad maybe i'll get a free burger out of it
i'm like carrie bradshaw but prettier and with a penis
i have more money on itunes than i do in my bank account... college.
I'm on the bus and the homeless person in the seat to my left is jacking off to a cartoon picture he found. He's now cleaning up with mitten I dropped.
Just puked on the beach. Hungover. In front of my parents. I love summer.
Just for future reference: milk is NOT a good mixer no matter how drunk you are.
And don't worry, my exact words were "I can't believe a baby came outta that thing"
We got caught having sex in the bathroom by my professor. In accordance with tradition, we still brofisted. I think my grade went up considerably.
Can I put tequila in the fish bowl? I think he wants to party too
I just want to go home and eat bagel bites in my underwear
I associate the Game of Thrones theme song with his dick now.
fuck you
also please return my underwear, they were one of my favourite pairs xo
My life has come down to me literally sitting on an uncrustables trying to defrost it because I’m drunk alone and hungry.
So, random question. How much should you tip a Lyft driver when you realized you've fucked his sister? Asking for a friend.
Randomize
