If i off myself, it'll be in a lobster costume in the hot tub with butter...
if you could put a roof over IU campus it would be the biggest whorehouse in the nation
Drunk roommate walked in on us and asked if we wanted to go eat a sandwich with her in the bathroom.
I'm pretty sure I just had a convo with my hot pockets about how they weren't good enough for the oven.
He is eating chips off the floor in the emergency room..
LSD in a sugar cube. Dropped it in my whiskey sour and felt like I was rowing a boat.
I just found that video of you jumping onto my exercise ball feet-first and face-planting into my shoe rack.
Things are burning & the world smells of peanut butter. It's beautiful.
I'm pretty sure we scarred one of our coworkers. This is the second time he has caught us both fully undressed and banging at work.
Either he has bad timing or he wants to join.
stef broke her leg trying to vault over the coffee table. these olympics drinking games are going to fucking kill us
I apologized for the whole SWAT team incident to the roommate.
He was eating my ass and came up for air, I almost choked laughing because he had a toilet paper cling on stuck in his mustache
Even his sexts are poetic. He said breasts instead of tits so I'm gonna lock this shit down asap
Here's the "to do" list i just found on my phone: buy stripper pole, make sex playlist, buy febreeze
Must lick fork, like it's a DICK
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