the next pure michigan commercial i see, i am going to pee in a fucking lake
I assumed she put out when I heard her friend call her "dickbutt"
I'm so hungover, I actually considered rolling down the stairs to avoid walking.
I don't even have to turn the heat on in my car. Just fart the whole way home.
I'm at McDonalds and when I walked up to the register the guy said "I'm so sorry." Before I said a word. That's how bad my hangover is.
Ok I might come if this chair quits being so great...I'm also seeing this bush in the corner turn into a witch
You slept with a red coat way too close to independence day. It's just very unpatriotic.
All I want to do is fuck in the bell tower before it leave this school. Is that too much to ask?
he told me i could have the honorable privilege of being the second girl to have sex with him in his new apartment, what a gentleman.
Uh yeah can we get an age of consent check on Dave's penis?
Age of consent, Dave's penis. Thank you...
How is there no taco emoji?! That's some bullshit.
After I came she just held my balls until I fell asleep. It was like adult swaddling. Magical...
Possibly threw up in my purse last night. Still suspicious of of all actions
Only I could dislocate my ribcage coaching volleyball and still want to get drunk tonight.
We had a pink drink in honor of my underwear and apparently I made out with our bartender... a few times
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