theyre doing shots to celebrate her boob jobs anniversary.
i hate when i ask a girl what she's being for halloween and the first word isn't "slutty"
So my retainer doesn't fit, so i'm getting drunk so i can put it back in. Alone.
You would...
you say it like running around in your thong wasted is a bad thing
I already have one guy that I have regrettable sex with. I don't need another.
Just saw a cougar do the walk of shame. She asked housekeeping where the fastest elevator was.
I've taken a shot every five minutes for the past twenty. His valentines cupcakes are going to be a fucking delicious vodka induced mess. Thinking about putting vodka in this next batch. I'm the best girlfriend.
I changed my birth control schedule so that I'm on my period while you're gone this week
I don't deserve you.
He was awful. Hubby's was apparently epic. I suck at swinging.
Did you put Adderal in the fishtank in the lobby? The fish are acting like Olympic sprinters. Asshole.
Slept with the roommate last night and also discovered that she believes in eugenics. I may need to slow down my drinking
We are all done wearing pants today
I'm laughing at the fact that I'm at Target right now buying vitamins and alcohol.
the guy in front of me in walmart is buying a blowtorch, potato chips, and condoms. I'm curious and horrified at the same time.
Did you see her happy birthday to emily on facebook? The gist of it is like: hey emily you almost died at birth im glad you didn't. love mom.
Randomize
