6:33 AM: I'm drunk at this time of morning.
People were autographing me. I'm like the spring break yearbook
Congrats to the girl that left her positive preggo test in the bathroom...
You kept making up "snapple facts" every time you opened a beer.
He just told me he's been drinking vodka at work all day. I'm starting to believe in soul mates.
We found her on a strangers doorstep chanting "I know someone will let me in" it took 2 of us to drag her to the car.
Im playing lifeguard in my own bathroom. How's ur night?
She was throwing my stuff away and then before I knew it she was sucking my dick. It was like some fucked up sour patch kids commercial
Went to bed with a bowl of spaghetti O's on my chest, I make my own breakfast in bed. New level of laziness
I woke up with a bloody knee, 6 burn marks on my thigh and glitter nails If anyone asks I'm going to say You came into town
Now that I'm sober, I'm realizing you put your name in my phone as "wowww"
I seriously doubt this is the first time pumpkin pie has led to a booty call.
No he can't come. I swear to gods he's "Why We Can't Have Nice Things" given physical form.
Nope. Im a prince of the americas. I treat my women like future queens. Also, im drunk watching the royal wedding
I just peed on myself the semester has officially began.
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