We had to put his head at the bottom of the driveway so the puke would run down. Now he's sleeping outside.
I made my rape whistle into a roach clip device. FRESHMAN YEAR!
i just saw that homeless guy who dresses like the cat in the hat at the liquor store. i guess he got enough change to have a good weekend. oh the places he'll go
I can't see straight with both eyes and ive only been at the bar for an hour. Someone else typed this for me.
She poured a bottle of rum in the champagne fountain, did like 5 jello shots at the same time, then lit herself on fire. Twice. This is how everyone should turn 21.
As he was under the stripper backwards, he yelled "we should totally be facebook friends"
If you were wondering whether I accidentally FaceTime called the undergrad who works for me in lab during a particularly graphic blow job last night, then the answer is yes.
Its like "fucckkkkk yooouuuuuu" is echoing up my esophagus
tequila?
yep
Look, all I can tell ya is I want to drink wine out of a bottle while you eat me. It would be the most fantastic end to finals week. Maybe ever.
Apparently I'm ahead in the foot race to his dick because I'm not insane. If I'd have known that's all it took, I'd have worn sweat pants more often.
Dude you spent 20 minutes on the phone with dominos answering machine trying to order a pizza
About 98% sure I just walked by some dude jerking it in the library. I'm guessing his college experience isn't going as planned
but, alas, I am not the lady in the streets. I'm simply the freak in the sheets.
You kidnapped her dog. I don't care that you and the dog are epic bros, that's just not cool. Return him.
I'll give you a blowjob in a Santa hat if it will put you in the Christmas spirit
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