how come the more i say "don't get it in my eyes," the more gets in my eyes
Found moms dildo in drawer while looking for socks, and its wet
thats the last time i clean cum out of my retainer.
What the hell do I have to do to get some foreplay around here? This sucks.
I think you know the answer.
How can I marinade myself in Vodka?
Bt dubs, I still have cuts on my arm from when you attacked me with a dildo on Saturday night.
Dude, I just spun my iPhone on my boner without it falling off. I belong in cirque du soleil.
Well the nurse forgot to take all my stitches out, so my surgical tools are peroxide, kitchen scissors, fingernail clippers, a pocket knife, and 11 beers. Let's do this...
It's like salsa. But with balls in it. I like to call it balsa
Euphemism? No, "pantsless vodka yoga" is a legitimate pastime of mine
Nothing like cleaning dried puke off your floor to make you feel like you've failed as an adult.
It's not an office Christmas party until your boss confesses his undying love for your boyfriend...
Ryan Reynolds is on sesame street right now. Dressed as a letter A but still sexy as fuck. PBS is so considerate of the stay at home mom.
I was originally going to go as fembot from Austin Powers
I wanted to have tiny guns for tits
I think I fucked up my elbow when I tried to fight off the paramedics.
Just took physics exam. I think this is one of those 'chuck it in the fuck-it bucket and become an art major' days
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