You are a beautiful, beautiful young lady. Your heart is made of tissue, blood and love. I will call you very soon, Princess Sophia.
I knew I was in the wrong bar when "I have a daughter your age" was some random's pick up line.
all I know is he gave me a Cialis and tried to take me home.
a cabby told me that vodka is the coors light of liquor, and then gave me his number
so, what part of "he's slept with a guy" do you not understand?
I just brought the toaster out onto the porch to light a cigarette, don't talk to me about being desperate.
He just texted me from the outside of the hospital. He called the fat broad in the bar mrs snuffleupagus about 60 times and she broke a bottle of blackberry brandy over his head.
First thought today, I need a ventriloquist dummy that looks like me. This week's project has been determined.
scratch that I can tell you where she is shes drunk on a beach somewhere being a penis slayer
If you've never been partying there before, take Shae with you. Drunk Shae is like a GPS. She found us the only bottle shop still open at four, a pot dealer, and told us all which subway to take to get home. She'd never been to Madrid before. It was awesome.
Actually, I may scrap this entire plan. I just realized that I had sex with a guy with his own whiskey commercial.
Holy shit my cat won't leave the lube alone
I AM BEING ACCOSTED BY A HUMMING BIRD
I AM IN MILD DISTRESS
Isis wins if we don't have the loudest, kinkiest sex in every part of my house tomorrow
It's 2017. Get with the program. Also remind me never to get margaritas with you ever on Cinco de Mayo.
Randomize
