I was just standing there and then BOOM! She was attacking my face with her mouth.
I don't get it, man. She treated me like a sexual predator but treated you like a piece of meat.
All she gave me for breakfast was raw toast. How can she expect me to eat raw toast?
You mean bread?
Already tried, she's too smart for that. I need a Primos "Do your wife in the butt" lure/call to trick her into wanting it
Question: Is it too early to claim April Fools on the text "can we do some lines before the concert" that I accidentally sent Mom?
I can't even teach it... It's just natural slutyness.. My mom has it too
If you are wondering why there is half eaten pizza in your pocket it's because you were passed out with it in your hand in my bathtub. Today's your b-day and thought I'd give you a good idea about what happened last night as a present
Just found out drinking 6 trays of random shots makes me wake up on a club toilet with my underwear and jeans around my ankles
I had 2 bags of iv saline fuilds for brunch and the buffet at the strip club for dinner. happy easter.
So how was the sex with me last night?
No worse than usual.
Guys always stop talking to me right around the point that if they bought me food a couple times I would probably have sex with them.
My parents woke me up at noon to tell me my maid had found my clothes strewn all over the neighborhood
As soon as we had sex he stopped opening doors for me. That wasn't an exchange. Im still a god damn princess
I associate the Game of Thrones theme song with his dick now.
I duct taped a bottle of vodka to the back of your closet while you were sleeping in case of emergencies. Go rip it off, it's going to be a long night.
There's a Russian superstition that you'll spend your year the way you celebrate New Year's, so I'm honestly not that surprised you're drunk.
Randomize
