The Firefighter Games are going to be in Tampa the same weekend I am. I think God is answering my vagina's prayers.
Chicken salad taco, you know, when you're out of bread and crackers, and high.
MASS TEXT! MASS TEXT! Your sad horny friend has finally gotten it in and can go back to being normal once again. You're welcome.
i refuse to hook up with a girl that looks like drew carey.
Im sorry i offered the man at mcdonalds your hand in marriage in exchange for some french fries
Well I'm going to San Francisco next weekend for pride. I'm sure I'll end up drunk and on a beach at some point.
well my grandpa saw your dick pic, so why don't you tell me how my day is going
They are going to name an STD after you.
When you're done railing that chick, there is still half a pizza and some ninja turtle mac and cheese down here if you want
I'm kinda glad you won't be in Vegas tomorrow because you'd make us go streaking or throw dead animals at them.
Don't judge me. It's a Monday night and I can eat burritos in while bathing in the kitchen sink if I want to.
Let me just get through this whole court subpoena thing and then ill go back to buying alcohol for minors.
Are you drinking tequila at 1pm? ...at Disneyland?
Wandering around the streets of Baltimore at two in the afternoon. Just offered a job as a stripper. Think I should accept?
Try an internship first, see if you enjoy it.
We played wedding bingo. I made out with the maid of honor and fucked one of the bride’s sorority sisters. But I needed to get with the groom’s cousin, a mother-in-law to be, or the wedding planner to win and I came up short.
Randomize
