Dude im not sure whos apartment i woke up in but i just showered here and their shampoo in phenomenal
farters have to be the big spoon...
Bar. Show boob. Just one. Free drinks. Instant friends
Guys only need one. Little known secret. You're welcome.
remind me to tell you about the ham sandwich empire im building
you spent the like half the night trying to figure out the puzzles on the back of the captn crunch box
part of it is the fact that im problem drinking, and the other part is my OCD wont let me leave the bottle half-empty.
We told you to stay put for 2 minutes. We come back out and your being handcuffed yelling "DO YOU FEEL LIKE A GOOD FUCKING PERSON ARRESTING ME ON MY BIRTHDAY?!"
Roommate is high and swore off off the diet. Said she wants to make everyone else fat since it'd be easier. She spent today baking 3 dozen brownies for the office tomorrow and is already down to 24.
Sweet. I'm actually coaching my work study into a 4-girl orgy so dinner was kinda important. Yes, I'm the best boss ever.
There's a homeless man outside the bar. I have a toothbrush and toothpaste in my car. I think i'm going to give them to him. And they said drinking is bad.
You're so thoughtful.
The ONLY reason I am doing laundry is because all my sweatpants are dirty.
Do you think I could use my teacher of month Award to get free drinks?
I like to send nudes ok? If that's my biggest flaw I think I'm ok
The coast is clear - also, would it bother you if I chose not to wear pants?
Hope you’re getting action boo.
Definitely no. I woke up next to a bag of McDonald's.
Randomize
