I showered today. Officially upgrading myself to useless.
i just lost my virginity for the 9th time. when will guys stop believing that nonsense line
she said she was gay. i said prove it. she said "ok i wont fuck you"
I keep getting texted pictures of my husband with other men. I can't figure out if he wants a divorce or a threesome?
He is going to sleep with me. That's all there is to it. I'm 4 for 4 right now. I'm not making it 4 for 5.
rethinking that breast reduction surgery... i'm tired of drunkenly explaining the scars to guys who don't really give a shit
Also I may have a condom stuck inside me, but I won`t know til I check the couch coushions.
she walked out and i tried to get her to come back but i couldn't remember her name so i just whistled... future reference: that doesn't work
HE'S BRINGING FRIED MAC AND CHEESE BITES. I GET FRIED MAC AND CHEESE AND SEX PEOPLE. BEST WEDNESDAY EVER.
passed out in the hallway last night, now I'm sitting down in the shower, eating lukewarm canned soup out of Tupperware, listening to Carly rae jepsen.. I had a rough night.
I've entered the world of uncircumcised penises. It's disgusting.
That sounds worse than that time you thought out an entire story of how big bird would kill you
you were on all fours in the front yard puking, but managed to hand the pizza delivery guy a beer and to have a nice day.
The guy like flippppped out and made me pay $15 for a car wash. I thought I was being extremely courteous by making sure to puke outside the window
Visiting my great uncle went well. The highlight of the evening was when he said, "Oh my god. I'm 79 and I'm teaching 18 year old kids how to roll a joint."
Randomize
