I never thought that I'd ever use the phrase "and the resulting ice cream explosion" seriously at work...
Killed two birds with one stone: found my wallet and unclogged the toilet.
In The Air Tonight was playing in the dentist's office. Had to stop the cleaner to do the drums.
Just had a nice conversation with my landlord while cleaning your puke off my car
Restaurants Roasting People Who Gave Them Negative Yelp Reviews (25 Pics)
Sorry for punching you in the face last night. I should have known the boxing gloves were a bad idea from the start.
For some reason i am carrying prostate cancer brochures. i am nor used to drinking this early.
Gave the kid in the wheelchair at the bus stop a beer and proceede to lift him on the bus. porch drinking brings out the best in everyone
He literally had a note from his doctor saying he wasn't allowed to finger me for a week
Why did I wake up holding food tongs?
Woman Posts Harassing DMs From Creep Online, Now He’s Upset Because People Told His Mom
What if I told you that I had 160 ounces of cheap malt liquor in my backpack? Espn films 40 for 40s presents: Edward 40 hands. Our room. 11PM/10 central
I woke up with my panties in the cat food dish, and everything covered in honey and bruises.
Turns out the owner of the bar that I fucked used to be on Boy Meets World, but now he's old and bald. So there's that..
Is this a Beer, Vodka or Whiskey kind of problem solving night? It's imperative I stock accordingly.
Questions like that are why I love you.
Erin was right. There were bees at the after hours.
How are you and your magical vagina doing today?
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