Did you call me this morning? I was really drugged up and don't remember.
Have a good day. My vagina shrank.
We're going on a mission for new porn. And ice cream.
No, I'm only going to drink half my paycheck. That's the responsible thing to do.
I wish they made helmets for livers.
dude, when you're random girl from last night came down the stairs this morning she fell all the way down. I laughed. She just walked out. I hope shes ok. Tell her I give her a 10 for that landing though.
It's like my butt was the only innocence I had left and now I don't even have that.
screw jello shots the kids from the culinary school made pudding shots with 4 loko.
I wasn't going to take him home until I heard "hung like a water buffalo" then curiosity got the best of me.
Dude you made a rodeo shot in beer pong won the game then got in the hot tub poured beer all over the side and screamed "hot tub time machine!"...
This hangover makes more sense now
Found out last night that "Everclear" is Spanish for "shit got weird"...
I thought I was pretty much sober now but then I realized I've been eating scrambled eggs with my hands...
Cool. I might be making a sickly but incredibly well dressed wine drunk appearance in a couple hours
man fuck you i am a delight. you're the one who fucking set his tree on fire while high
Welp, I'm allergic to codeine. Found that one out the hard way.
the roommate is literally cooking green eggs n ham, and I'm too hungover to see straight. Dr Seuss nightmare.
Randomize
