she asked me if the dress made her look fat, i told her no - the fat made her look fat.
I got so high that I decided to drive with my knees on the way home. Where am I going in life?
Nowhere
please stop telling ppl youre Alice Cullen when youre drunk
My pussy is not your playground.
the 3rd commandment: and god said, if you buy a handle.. you must finish it.
What kind of gift says: "I love you because you're my mom & I'm obligated to, but I don't like you" ?
and it seems i've caught your masturbating bug. thanks.
I found someone's tooth on the stairs when I was vacuuming, and my sister found a catheter in the men's bathroom... this cleaning job is dangerous
I mean he gave me an 'I owe you an orgasm' fist bump
Nothing $200 worth of strippers and spicy fried chicken couldn't fix.
I'll pay you back with progressively deviant sexual favors.
Like who turns down taking a nap inside of someone in 2014.
Is this what it's like to be an adult? You plan out play dates for your vagina?
Tell me again why we had to Facebook stalk your therapist?
Do NOT approach him. He has sex with everything. LITERALLY everything, and I DO mean everything. He's so horny we once caught him with his dick in a pumpkin. A legitimate honest to God pumpkin that he bored a hole in
Randomize
