3:38a: you guys up to anything right now?
you're putting all your eggs in a very hungover basket
When I meet a new girl, I'm terrified of mentioning something she hasn't already told me but that I have learned from some light internet stalking.
You're barking up the wrong lesbian.
He got about halfway through singing "Drift Away" before he passed out and broke my coffee table.
When I sent you a text telling you to splash water on your face, you texted me back with 'Iwehre N qyull.'
I've never felt so epic in my entire life as I do right now, my bare testicles staring down the ocean itself
I couldn't figure out her damn button fly jeans... IM NOT A FUCKING ENGINEER
Eating a chocolate bar and crying over a cobweb. Life is beautiful and I love shrooms.
Because bro, I don't want your dick being touched mid conversation.
when in doubt, mount your coworker in the staff room.
Got 2 free lines of blow from some random guys on the side of 13th street.....how's your Sunday going?
He told me he felt the only proper thing to do was fuck me to the top of the corporate ladder
Don't do tequila. The Devil himself spits into shot glasses and we call it tequila. You will do bad things.
I ACCIDENTALLY MURDERED MY COUSIN
HOW DO YOU ACCIDENTALLY MURDER YOUR COUSIN
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