apparently my drunken alterego is a lazyeyed bisexual.
i think the semi hot bartender might actually be a man in drag..on a similar note, what are you drinking?
This is awkward. You have a four minute voicemail from me. I would delete it. I accidently hit your number on speed dial and called you while I was vomiting a mai tai.
Is it socially acceptable to order two burrito bowls?
anything's socially acceptable if you do it with enough confidence
hey as creepy as this sounds i still have your eyelashes on my desk
He's the kind of drunk guy that would pee in your mouth while you give him head.
It's like shitshowville, population: those girls.
I couldn't tell if they ere dancing or fucking but they won the costume contest
I won the booty shaking contest by mooning the whole bar
Apparently I'm not allowed to call at 3am anymore and ask to speak to all his siblings. I was just trying to get to know the family
My vday gift was a joint bouquet, Finding Nemo on bluray, and a good shower fuck.
Um, WHAT A FUCKING KEEPER!
Do not tell guys at bars about kittens you rescue. They will walk away.
Dude I puked in a snow bank and then fell face first into it
He wants to pour butter pecan flavored coffee creamer on me and lick it off. I'm like, dude, gross. French Vanilla ok? Ugh.
I mean, I'm not hammered, but I definitely can't show my face or tits in that bowling alley again
Randomize
