non applicator tampons are so hard to put in when your drunk. i fingered myself for 10 minutes and forgot what i was trying to do.
Apparently last night I sat at the bar with an upside down sharpie lightning bolt on my forehead, yelling "It's Harry Potter's birthday! Let me be on the qudditch team!" And I kept calling the bartender Dobby. There are videos.
Don't worry about later. I already pre-ordered a pizza for a 1:45 delivery and told them to ignore any calls from your number.
You're getting good at this, you know that?
Better skin, bigger boobs.. Birth control is INCREASING my chance of getting pregnant because people actually want to have sex with me now.
positive spin of the day: since my nose is blocked from allergies cleaning the puke this morning was much easier
The nurse told me they're using the same medicine that killed michael jackson.
Security said no more parties of this kind. To me that translates to Theme party this weekend.
Walked into my campus store carrying a pitcher of sangria. No fucks given. Also this recipe is banging.
He told me "it wants a kiss" WHY HAS THIS HAPPENED WITH 2 DIFFERENT PEOPLE.
4:37 am. You're wearing underwear and carpet skates. Borderline crying. You want to punch Morgan. Have not stopped singing Give Your Heart a Break.
Is selling savings bonds for acid money something a normal person does?
GOOD MORNING. Have you seen the Avenger vibrators?
He's super sweet. I feel like I'm dating Elmo. If Elmo had a 7 incher
Dude, I'm sorry if you saw me getting head in my truck last night. My bad.
No but seriously. Just had a guy lean over and sniff my head like it was a freshly baked pie
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