3 deer just ran past us on the street. At least I get to see some tail tonight
I just stuffed five dollars in my near empty box of camels to remind myself to buy more. And my mom says I don't budget my money
i just packed a bowl on a big bird place mat and smoked it in a spaceship with a slide. i love babysitting.
You were pissed we didn't change the movie to Eurotrip so you kept singing "Scotty Doesn't Know" over and over until you passed out.
I picked the lock on the bathroom door and sang him a song while he pooped. Why is he mad?
Your roommate is pacing with a pen in his mouth flapping like a duck. That brownie got me fucked but not enough to understand this. Come back!
He does that
Selling drugs in raindeer antlers is the best way to spread christmas cheer
eating chex mix on the couch when he walks in naked and asks how he looks. are you shitting me.
He pulled over in the Compass Bank parking lot so I could dry-heave, but I decided I couldn't vomit there because "I bank here."
He has a burner phone just to send dick pics. It's revolutionary
I know you saw me get knocked out after I stepped on that rake why did you leave me there
She said "we just have chemistry" ... I wanted to say "no, you just have a vagina."
the police dropped me off. that's how my night went.
When they said they were gonna tattoo each other's gamer tags on their asses, I knew I no longer had a boyfriend.
Im experiencing the awkward moment after realizing two of my straight female friends have had sex with each other
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