my mom found me this morning spread out like jesus sleeping on the living room floor. i had a piece of bread over my eyes to block the light out
"Guy Time" translaed into 10 shots apiece and me waking up covered in my own blood.
You were directing traffic around her for 30min after she passed out in the middle of the road.
You really are best friends.
were lost, were cold and we don't know what to do with the stray cat we found.
just got tipped $5 to put a barbie in a waffle cone and drip caramel sauce on it while a group of dudes cheered and one took pics. 90% sure they were sober
turns out that the cat the james was trying to catch was a raccoon. call me when you get this, i need an ER buddy
I was drunk petting a fox and taking shots of Jager. That's about as outdoorsy as it gets.
Some guy just showed up at my door to return my bikini top. EXPLAIN NOW
cant tell, his cock is acting like one of those inflatable arm waving things outside the market
I took the weekend off because he and I were supposed to go to Vegas for our anniversary and get a hooker remember?
Ah, yes. Who says romance is dead?
Apparently last night I yelled "the cops were called on a mother fucker and that mother fucker is me." And then proceeded to exorcise a sandwitch.
It wouldn't be New Years Eve if we knew where we would be at midnight
And one groomsman rode a suitcase cart like a skateboard until he crashed and took out a piece of sheet rock. Later he pulled out his nuts.
So I forgot to ask, how was that bartender you slept with two weeks ago?
Google chlamydia.
like honestly, the vodka had to go somewhere, and your moms soap dispenser just seemed right at the time..
Randomize
