AHHHH!!! note to self never google image chastity belt omfg
Fiestas. Its like a classier verson of mardi gras.
Men with bald spots should not have mohawks. Just in case you didn't know.
Her tits were the only thing that upgraded her from "no way in fuck" to "drunken mistake"
I just did the math, I've had 8 hours of sleep in the last 3 days. Not sure if that means I am dedicated to my sex life or my job...
You were crying and asking his mom "why doesn't he like road head?"
She's currently upstairs fucking her boyfriend while I am downstairs making them a sex playlist watching her boyfriend's Weiner dog and large Boxer try and mount each other. Marvin Gaye is playing. This is the ultimate third wheel fail.
Apparently, my drunken 3AM idea of safety is to send a GPS map of my location to someone 700 miles away. Seriously considering death as a viable alternative to this hangover. Death or Yuengling.
She kept talking about how amazing the banana she had yesterday was. Don't know if it was innuendo, stoned, or just a really amazing banana.
I really need to create fewer "the time I was on drugs" stories for my future memoir, "my first year in San Francisco".
good luck with that
I woke up with $140 in twenties in my bra and have never been more puzzled.
I like how she'll post a picture on Instagram with her boyfriend and 2 hours later you'll send me a snap of her panties on your rear view mirror
He said he'd prefer a photo rather than discuss politics, I sent him a snapchat "conservative shorts 4 conservative man". He said "be liberal"
I say camping because "let's go get hammered in the woods" sounds kinda fucking weird to be honest.
Look, you're talking to the wrong girl here. Tacos>dick always and forever
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