I woke up naked by my window. blinds open. smiley face drawn on my window.
Not just anyone can homewreck on three continents simultaneously
you are my hero
Worst part of St. Paddy's...me drunkenly crying to a U2 cover band.
I told him I wanted to have sex to "halleluiah", he suggested the poke-rap.
Remember when I was so high that I thought my appendix burst? All I had to do was fart man, just fart.
I should probably file for unemployment. Sometime between last night and 4 AM I facebooked my manager the lyrics to hoe by ludacris. I'm just projecting ahead here.
Held my professor's hair back while she was puking. I'd better get an A out of this or else the pics are going on Facebook.
Def just hooked up with my brother's senior prom date in his bed. Does that make me the worst brother ever?
Last night did I take a piece of pizza out of your hand and then proceed to eat it?
Twice...
I don't like sad things. I do like drinking though
I will be DAMNED if anyone but me breastfeeds my cat.
My co-worker accidentally texted me regarding the threesome him and other one are planning.
I was so high I forgot how to swallow food, and I just kept thinking "thank god its just mashed potatoes, they'll go down eventually"
I just tried to lit a bowl with my chapstick.
Stacy lit a fart and burn half of the couch down before we can put the Flames out. Bring your truck.
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